Funny summaries of forwarded emails

I can't
sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on
it since it was last washed.

I can't
enjoy lemon slices in my tea or on my seafood anymore because lemon peels have
been found to contain all kinds of nasty germs including
feces.

I have trouble shaking
hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while
driving alone is picking your nose.

Eating a Little Debbie
sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans
fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has
placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.

I must
send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on
envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs
sealing.

Also, now
I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same
reason.

I no longer have any
savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in
the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no
longer have any money , but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that
Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are
sending me for participating in their special e-mail program .

I no longer worry
about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St.Theresa's
novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC
because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or
feathers.

I no longer use
cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot
day.

Thanks to you, I have
learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my
friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your
concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet
stains.

I no longer can buy
gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't
crawl in my back seat when I' m pumping gas.

I no longer drink
Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who
make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their
cans.

I no longer use Saran
wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for
letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it
will blow up in my face…disfiguring me for life.

I no
longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a
needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to
shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob
me.

I no longer receive
packages from UPS or FedEx since they
are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at
Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the
Salvation Army.

I no longer answer
the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for or which I will get a
phone bill with calls to  Jamaica  , Uganda  ,  Singapore  and  Uzbekistan  .

I no longer buy
expensive cookies from Neiman-Marcus since I now have their
recipe.

Thanks to you, I
can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking
under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my
butt.

And thanks to your
great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it
probably was placed there by a rapist waiting underneath my car to grab my
leg.

If you don't send
this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with
diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12
camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will
occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's
ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician…

Don't forget that your toothbrush needs to
be kept in a separate room (or at least 6 feet away from the toilet) to protect
you from getting germs from 'the flush'!!!

Have a
wonderful day…